Things I’ve actually said to my dogs:

“There seems to be a dog tooth hole in my iPhone 6 Plus. Does anybody here know anything about this Roxy?”

“Don’t bark at the neighbors; you’ll never have any friends.”

“Get your nose out of Taylor’s ass, Roxy. That’s rude.”

“Ladies be quiet. Jeopardy’s on and I need to concentrate.”

“Where’s the other half of this plant?”

“Roxy stop riding Taylor like a horse. Everybody deserves a quiet moment to take a crap.”

“I’ve got to change the channel. You know you’re not supposed to watch Jerry Springer.”

“Who peed on the rug Roxy?”

“Where did my loaf of bread go Roxy?”

“Get your nose out of my dinner. I don’t eat your dog food, do I?”

“Please don’t eat the grandchildren.”

“Pansy I’m leaving you in charge. For God’s sake, don’t let the puppy out.”

These are all rhetorical questions. They have not answered me. My sanity is currently intact.